Dispatch from the executive washroom
May 16, 2005 9:02 am
Hi! I'll bet you're wondering why we're meeting in here today. Well, I thought I'd take a page from the incredibly successful playbook of Lyndon Johnson. Only this time, instead of escalating the Vietnam War, we're trying to escalate profits!
What's wrong with that analogy? Where am I going next? Napalm you idiot! You're fired. I paid you to be a yes-man. Get out. Clean out your office and give me back my chapstick.
Okay, where was I? Oh yes, LBJ. Where was I going with this...rats, I can't remember. Nevermind. The REAL reason you're here is that I am going to exercise my "leadership skills" that I learned in my online MBA program and issue an ultimatum. Raise revenues by 50% or you're all fired. You see, as an executive, my job is to make outrageous claims and ridiculous demands and expect you to follow through. I delegate from the throne-room (so to speak) and you carry out my decrees whilst I ham it up on the golf course with all the other blue-blood MBAs from the University of Phoenix.
If you don't like it, quit. You're all horrible people anyway. No entrepreneurial spirit. Okay, who forgot to refill the toilet paper? Could someone grab me a new roll? Guys? It would be unwise to use this temporary position of advantage against me! Remember, I am armed with an online degree from the University of Phoenix! I shall rise from the ashes of this disgrace and crush you all like insects!
Ah, rats. They're gone. I guess I'll just sit here and sob quietly while what's left of my soul rots away.
I wanted to be a cowboy anyway.
User Comments
 | commiepinko | Jan 16, 2006 3:12 AM Bigot. |
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